Ah, the orgasmic and mysterious world of anal play. Anal is something that I hear about and advise on almost every single day of the week. Anal is something I think about every single day of the week. Anal is something I wish I was doing every single day of the week. Sometimes, I do! It’s great.
To many, anal is still a mystery - and in some cases, it’s actually pretty intimidating.
I get it. Most of us grew up with anal being seen as painful, the punchline of the joke, unhygienic, and in many cases, an abomination... (I come from a Roman Catholic education).
However, if you strip away the outside influences and layers of internalised shame - it’s simply just something to enjoy… if you want to do it! And millions of people do. So, let me help you.
There are a few reasons that I am writing this guide:
I don’t want people to be scared of anal.
I don’t want people to do it wrong and put themselves off.
There is nothing wrong with enjoying anal sex.
There is no shame in bottoming.
Indulging in anal play doesn’t mean you’re no longer ‘top’.
People are always reaching out to me about this topic.
One of the things that I love the most about my job (in sex education and sex toy development) is that people reach out to me discreetly with their intimate curiosities and problems. It’s flattering. I also enjoy helping people to discover things about themselves and address possible issues surrounding their sexual interests. In fact, a lot of the messages I receive on dating apps and social media DMs aren’t actually from people chatting me up – it’s people asking me for advice and recommendations.
My sex education work is often under the radar. I come from a discreet customer service background and have been speaking to people for over a decade by email, phone, DM, and face-to-face. It’s always been private.
I was most recently inspired by a young man (aged 19) who asked me about how he should go about having anal sex for the first time. He’d felt pressured by social media and even by some of my posts. This instantly made me feel guilty. His exact words were, “You make me feel like I’m missing out.” I don’t want anyone to look at my posts or anyone’s posts and feel the need to be sexual. Everyone develops in their own way and in their own time.
It’s worth remembering that I’m older and experienced and have worked in the sex industry for over 15 years. This experience means I have certainly been exposed to more than most. Everyone moves at their own speed, so try not to stress out too much. Your first time should be comfortable, and most importantly, it should be on your terms.
I’m going to list some detailed, and empathetic advice that I wish that I’d had back in the day. I am speaking for myself and from my personal experiences. Ultimately, everyone is different but I’m confident that this can help you.
This guide refers to sex with someone with a penis - but tips also apply to pegging and/or someone using a sex toy on you.
Each instruction section below ends with a ‘tl:dr’ (too long - didn’t read) list, summarising each section, for those of you in a rush.
So, let’s begin.
First-Timer’s Toolkit: EVERYTHING YOUR ASS NEEDS.
Are you a beginner and want feel prepared and confident? Here’s a simple, budget-friendly shopping list to get you started.
Lubricant. You should always have some lube handy. Personally, I am a fan of silicone-based lubricant but I’ve learned that through personal trial-and-error over the years. Everyone’s lube taste is different. Start with a thicker hybrid (mix of silicone and water) lubricant. Always check that your lube is condom safe.
Douche. Treat yourself to a simple anal bulb douche. These are easy-to-use, easy to store, and simple to use.
Condoms. Protect yourself, always. You can grab condoms from any high street pharmacy, corner shop, or sex shop. If you are running low on cash – go to your local GUM clinic. Don’t know where yours is? Click here.
Wet Wipes. Baby wipes or cheap face wipes, whatever your skin is most comfortable with. These help with any spillages, embarrassing liquids, removing condoms, and wiping away any excess liquid or mess. Plus, they help to moisturise the delicate area around the anus. Try and get environmentally friendly ones.
Towel. Get a towel for underneath your body, on the bed. You may need it, you may not.
WHY ARE YOU HAVING ANAL SEX?
This is the part where you’ll feel like I am patronising you. But hear me out.
Do you want to have sex because you genuinely want to, or because you feel like you should? It’s important to know the difference. In fact, it’s vital.
We live in the age of influence - its literally a career, now. Sex and sexuality are everywhere: in movies, music, social media, porn, the lot!
In a digital world where people curate their lives and ‘experiences’ - sometimes in ways that aren’t entirely real, and sometimes in ways that are excruciatingly honest - its easy to feel the pressure.
“Sex isn’t essential in life but it’s a fucking fabulous addition if you’re doing it properly with the right person.”
You need to have an open discussion with yourself about why you want to have sex. No need to psycho-analyse yourself - but it’s worth thinking about whether you are ready and comfortable to have someone’s body all over you (and inside of you).
Sex isn’t essential in life but it’s a fucking fabulous addition if you’re doing it properly with the right person. Or people. Listen to your body and try and learn to trust your gut.
A good way to know if you really want to have sex with someone is to masturbate while thinking about them - and then see how you feel about the idea after you’ve cum. Obviously, you’re not going to be 100% up for sex the moment after orgasm, but that post-nut clarity can be the perfect moment to gauge how you really feel about someone.
NO PRESSURE, NO PROBLEM.
There’s nothing wrong with being submissive sexually. But when it comes to consent, you are always in charge. Even as a submissive bottom (if you are, or wish to be) you should always communicate your boundaries and say no when you want to say no. There’s never a need to feel anything other than comfortable saying no. Never, ever forget that.
You don’t owe anyone sex. You don’t even owe your ego sex. Anyone that questions you saying NO, or pressures you into having anal (or any type of intimacy) has got to go. I don’t care how hot they are, how long you’ve waited, or how apologetic they may be in the aftermath. Goodbye. Next.
Now, the following isn’t the case for everyone, but it’s certainly something I discovered in my early days on the ‘scene’ in London.
There are a lot of predatory-personality-types out there who are actively on the lookout for naive people who aren’t experienced in protecting themselves against dickheads. Often, they know you’re too new-to-this to be recognising the warning signs. These people have a tendency to know the right things to say and the correct buttons to push to get your legs behind your head.
These people may even be so used to behaving this way that they don’t even realise that what they’re doing isn’t ethical. If something feels ‘off’ - or you feel at all pressured - let it go, let THEM go, and wait for the next. Yes, this is frustrating and I’m sure you’re feeling impatient… but this is a little thing I like to call ‘self-care’ and this should always come first.
Self-care comes before you cum.
“If something feels ‘off’ or you feel at all pressured, let it go, let THEM go, and wait for the next”
If you feel intimidated by someone’s language, body language, or persistence, my advice would be to avoid them.
As a young person, new to the scene, I encountered predatory men who tried to manipulate me into sex or intimacy. I assumed this was just a natural part of "courting" - that they were simply being "lads." I didn’t realise at the time that I had every right to say “no” (or in my case, “fuck off”).
If you’ve grown up without much sexual interest - like being the only "gay in the village," for example - it’s easy to overlook bad behaviour just because you’re finally getting your kind of sexual or romantic attention. But if someone puts a hand on you and you don’t want it there, let them know - clearly and concisely. You don’t have to be aggressive, just firm.
If you’re meeting someone from a dating app, make sure you’ve set your boundaries clearly before meeting. If it’s your first time, don’t jump straight into sex - meet for a (non-alcoholic) drink first and get to know them as a real, physical person rather than just a few shared images or videos. If they’re not up for that, find someone who is.
Also, let a friend or trusted loved one know where you’re going, who you’re meeting, and roughly what the plan is. You don’t have to give them the nitty-gritty details, but a heads-up is important. Arrange to check in with them - send a message (or some sort of signal) before you meet, as you meet, and after. If needed, share your live location for extra safety.
Side note: if you want a ‘safe space’ to meet someone from an app, you are welcome to use a Clonezone store as your meet-up point.
STAY SAFE. STAY SEXY.
I’m not just talking about condoms - that goes without saying. I’m talking about your body, your anus, and its limits. You’ve probably seen that guy on Twitter or a porn site having really impressive anal sex… taking it like a pro, no complaints. And you know why he took it like a pro? Because he is a pro. Do things at your own speed.
If you’re reading this guide out of genuine curiosity, chances are you’re not a pro just yet. You might slip straight into complete comfort and surprise yourself with what you can handle - but don’t assume that you will.
Your hole is sensitive, so treat it with respect. The anus is full of delicate blood vessels, nerve endings, and muscles. Skipping lube, being too rough, or forcing things in can lead to some seriously uncomfortable (and embarrassing) issues. Ever heard of an anal fissure? Not fun. I’m not here to scare you or put you off - this guide is all about learning to love anal. But I am encouraging you to treat your body with care.
Your batty needs love too! And remember - if your body is saying STOP! then maybe, just maybe, you should listen. Nothing should ever be excessively painful.
“Begin by just stroking yourself gently after a hot bath or shower with a generous amount of lubricant until you feel your hole is becoming slightly more receptive.”
And how can you protect yourself? By getting to know your body first and understanding your limits before diving into anal with a partner.
Using your fingers is a great way to start. Treat yourself to a nice lubricant from a sex shop (try to avoid Amazon and similar sites - support adult businesses directly).
You can treat yourself to a small butt plug (under 4 inches) if you’d like, but I’d recommend beginning with your fingers. Make sure your fingernails are trimmed and buffered, or simply put a condom over them. Start by gently stroking yourself externally, on the anus, after a hot bath or shower with a generous amount of lubricant. Let your body adjust until you feel your hole becoming slightly more receptive.
Start with one finger, and don’t force it inside - take it slow. When it does come to insertion, add extra lube to both your finger(s) and your hole. Even if it feels like you don’t need more, trust me, in the early stages, you do.
Run your fingers around the hole, and you’ll feel its plushness along with the ring of muscle within. Don’t force - just gently guide your finger inside this ring. As you push in, use your anal muscles to push out (as if you’re going to the toilet). I know it feels strange, but this helps ease entry, relax the area, and loosen the sphincter muscles. You’ll notice it accepting your finger as you push these muscles out.
Once you’re inside, rest for a moment, then gradually feel around and see what feels nice. Sometimes, the simple motion of pushing in and out is enough to feel delicious. If you have a prostate, don’t go hunting for it just yet.
Take it slow, take deep breaths, and if it helps, watch yourself in the mirror or on your phone’s selfie camera. It can be quite exciting to see this for the first time.
While playing, you might feel like you need to pee or suddenly need to make another type of bathroom visit… but just wait it out and gently feel around. Repeat this a few nights a week.
If you’re using a small butt plug, follow the same insertion tips as above, and try sitting up with it inside. A good position is the ‘prayer’ position, with your bum resting on your feet. Try angling it so the base of the plug is held inside by your feet. If you’re feeling confident, gently roll your hips around and notice the sensations it delivers as you move.
Don’t panic if you’re not feeling anything too intense - not all insertions feel that way. Sometimes, it might feel like nothing’s really happening. That doesn’t mean you’re loose or doing something wrong - it just means you’re comfortable. And that means you’re doing it right.
When removing your fingers or a small toy from your anus, take it slow and push those muscles out again (as if you’re going to the toilet). Don’t rush it - even if you feel the urge to sometimes.
As it comes out, you may feel a slight burning sensation, but that’s rarely anything to worry about. Don’t be put off if the experience felt unpleasant- this is just a baby step. It may not be clean either, but don’t worry - we’ll get to douching next.
Congrats! You’ve had something in your butt.
The tl;dr:
Don’t compare yourself to porn.
Start by rubbing and then gently fingering yourself - with lots of lube.
Buffer your nails or place a condom over your finger(s) to keep things smooth and safe.
When inserting, push your muscles out - like you’re going to the toilet- to help your body accept incoming traffic.
Repeat this a few times a week to get used to the sensation of something inside.
CLEANING YOUR ASS BEFORE SEX.
There are many ways to get your body ready for anal sex but the most common preparation is douching. Personally – douching can be the bane of my life but it’s part of my sexual routine that not only cleans me out… but it gives me more confidence in my sexual performance.
It douche, personally, so I don’t have to worry about accidents.
If you aren’t aware of what douching is, it’s the practice of cleaning all of the ‘mess’ (faeces) out of your anus and lower bowels to avoid said ‘mess’ appearing during anal. You do this by using either a bulb douche, shower attachment, or enema kit to squirt/spray water inside of your anus, release, and repeat it until it runs clear.
As a beginner, I’d recommend starting with a bulb douche.
Douching isn’t a requirement. It’s a personal choice. Some think that going to the bathroom and then rubbing a finger around the inside is enough to clean it out. Others don’t care/enjoy the idea of things getting messy.
It’s a decision that should ultimately be yours, but it’s also worth considering your partner. Sex is all about communication, after all. Personally, I’m a clean freak, I hate bad smells, have zero toilet humour (I can’t even stand talking about poop), and won’t play unless I’m fully prepared. But every one is different - and every body is different.
A bit of advice: Don’t wait until the first time you’re about to have sex before douching for the first time. Do a few practice runs, even if you don’t have anything lined up. Because it can be tricky and can take longer than you’d expect.
There are ways to make douching easier (and quicker) for yourself, and that mostly comes down to your diet and liquid intake. Try to avoid: caffeinated drinks, drinks with artificial sweeteners, spicy foods, oily foods, and excessive dairy products on the day of, or evening before anal. Up your fiber intake for a day or so before to firm up your stool and stay hydrated.
Avoid anal when hungover, as dehydration makes loose stools more likely - those are unpredictable and harder to clear out, even after a thorough douche.
“You don’t have to douche. It’s a personal choice. Some think that rubbing a finger around inside is enough to clean it out.”
There are lots of fashionable pills out there which are advertised to make douching easier. These work by firming your stool using Psyllium Husk. If your body isn’t used to this, don’t jump right into using them. You don’t even know if you need them yet.
I reviewed Pure for Men ‘douching pills’ for InsideHook.com which you can read here.
Also, please avoid getting into a routine of taking Imodium (or similar brands) to help. Your stomach is very sensitive and it really doesn’t take much to irritate the regularity of your bowel movements, especially if you’re combining anti-diarrhea medication with douching.
A simple guide to douching:
Fill the bulb with water (to the brim or you’ll push air inside)
Lubricate the nozzle and your hole
Slowly insert nozzle and relax for a few seconds
Squeeze bulb to release as much water inside as possible
Hold the water until your body wants to release
Release without pushing too hard
Check the waters clarity in the toilet bowl
Repeat until the water is clear or your comfy with its clarity
Make sure you re-lubricate yourself during douching
It’s not uncommon for some water to stay inside and surprise you during sex, sometimes it’s clean… sometimes’s its not. I usually give myself a 15-30 minute window before doing anything to encourage any excess water to come out.
If you want to speed this up, lay on your bed on your LEFT side (this aligns your body and guts) and gently massage your tummy – this will often get it out much quicker.
The tl;dr:
Begin by using a simple bulb douche.
Do some practice runs before your first time.
Pay attention to what you are eating. Up your fiber intake.
Avoid anal the day after drinking alcohol heavily.
Give yourself 15-30 mins for all excess water to come out after you’ve finished douching.
Stay adequately lubricated throughout douching. Top it up.
THE ART OF RIM-AXATION.
Rimming is an ideal way to relax your hole before sex, as well as waking up some of those sensitive nerve-endings which deliver pleasure during reciprocal anal. Plus, rimming feels really fucking good. And, I like sitting on handsome faces.
Psychologically, I find there is something so sexy about seeing and feeling the face of someone you find attractive buried between your butt cheeks. I don’t know about you, but when I fancy someone I just want to know that I’ve sat on their face at least once. And I usually do.
So if they’re into it, serve it on a platter and make them eat it. And I don’t mean a few meal flicks of the tongue. The best thing they can do to relax you is really diving in there. You want their tongue to be lapping, dipping, and stroking your hole’s entrance.
You want your hole to be left feeling wet, spongy, and warm once they’ve finished. The best position to be rimmed for relaxation is laying on your front, with a pillow under your hips and crotch to lift your butt up in the air. Or laying on your back, with the pillow (or two) under your lower back and bum to raise you into the air. Doggy also feels great, but I’d stick to the two positions above at first.
Not only is rimming a great way to relax your hole, it feels amazing and is so arousing. Your anus has a high concentration of nerve endings, therefore it is considered an erogenous zone. This is why it feels so nice. SCIENCE.
I would advise avoiding flavoured lubricants as I (personally) hate them and find they get really sticky. This is completely up to you, by the way.
Please note that spit does not work as a replacement for lube. Possibly in the future, but not for beginners. OK?
The tl;dr:
Rimming is a perfect way to relax your hole.
It feels fucking great.
Lay on your front with a pillow underneath you, or on your back with pillows underneath your bum.
Don’t use the spit as a substitute for lube just yet. Baby steps.
DOES SIZE REALLY MATTER?
It’s worth taking your partner’s cock size, or the size of toy you’re wanting to use into consideration. If it’s is particularly long or thick, you’ll need to prepare your hole a little bit more than usual.
You can do this by using your fingers or a butt plug before anal (as discussed above), possibly using a relaxing product, and douching with warm water. Having a long warm bath or shower before sex will also help relax those tense muscles. If you have time and are particularly anxious about their size, spend some time with a small butt plug inside before sex. It’ll help relax those muscles which aren’t used to incoming traffic.
Make sure you have a talk with your partner about how they penetrate you. If they are thick, they must take it slow on the first insertion, and if they are particularly long then it’s worth discussing NOT going ‘balls deep’ at first.
A lot of people want to slide all the way in on the first insertion, as that’s when they’ll feel most sensitive. You’re really going to benefit from making sure that doesn’t happen. Communicate this.
You can also control how deep a penis or toy goes inside you by having them slow their thrusts and by adjusting your own positioning. We’ll get to that.
“But when it comes to anal pleasure, and eventually prostate orgasm, 2-4 inches is really all that you need.”
And for the record: It’s not all about a big dick. Yes, they are fun to play with, and most of the porn we see online features people who are particularly well-endowed. But when it comes to anal pleasure, and eventually prostate orgasm, 2-4 inches is really all you need.
If they’re large… great! But let’s ignore the misconception that size is everything. It’s all down to personal preference, and as a beginner, this really shouldn’t be on your radar just yet.
Also, making a negative comment about someone’s penis size is cruel and damaging. Don’t do it - it’s not sassy, it’s just cruel. And a total dickhead move. Sexual satisfaction comes in all shapes and sizes.
The tl;dr:
Prepare for the size you’re working with. If they are particularly large, you may want to relax your hole before with fingers and/or a small toy.
As a beginner, don’t focus on hunting for big cocks. Size really isn’t everything. Trust me.
Communicate with your partner about how they penetrate you, focusing on the position, speed and rhythm.
You only need around 2-4 inches to find your P-Spot (Prostate).
LISTEN TO YOUR ASS: PAIN VS. DISCOMFORT?
Let’s be honest - anal can be stressful and even a bit unpleasant at first. A lot of people I know tried it once and swore they’d never do it again. The first time is always a bit strange and can sometimes be painful, so don’t be too hard on yourself. Give yourself and your asshole a break.
The discomfort can be a real shock to your system. Sometimes, it feels like every cell in your body is screaming, “GET THAT THING OUT!” This, combined with the sensation of needing to go to the toilet, can make the start of your anal discovery journey feel a bit unpleasant. The first few times I had anal sex, I desperately felt like I needed to urinate the whole way through.
However, trust me, you’ll most probably learn to love it. Don’t let negative experiences in the beginning scare you too much and put you off. Remember, you’re putting something with length, girth, warmth, and solidity into a part of your body that’s only ever been used to one-way traffic - until now. It’s bound to be a shock to the system, and it’s going to take experience to learn to relax your muscles.
I found that suddenly everything felt nice after a few times as I gradually learned to relax into and get used to the sensations. It was like someone had flicked a switch.
“Remember, you’re putting something with length, girth, warmth, and solidity into a part of your body that’s only ever been used to one-way traffic - until now. It’s bound to be a shock to the system”
As discussed earlier in the guide: get some solo practice in, before having anal sex with a partner. That’s going to be the best way to understand HOW it’s going to feel and how to minimise discomfort.
A great way to prepare for anal is by wearing a butt plug before sex - it helps relax your hole and get you used to the sensation. As you gain more experience, you can upgrade to a prostate massager (if you have a prostate) or, alternatively, a dildo.
Also: stay lubricated. Reapply, reapply, reapply!
The tl;dr:
Your body will feel shocked as you fuck the first few times.
Pay attention to what’s painful and what feels uncomfortable, as there is a difference.
If anything feels excessively painful, stop it immediately. Try again next time.
Utilise your SOLO practice experience prior to anal sex with a partner.
FIND YOUR SWEET SPOT.
Fucking in the wrong position for your first time can deliver a negative first-time experience which may put you off being fucked in the butt forever. This guide has been designed to help you avoid this.
A position can change the way you enjoy sex completely. In the beginning, play it safe with your positions. Sorry babe, but you aren’t a porn-star-sexpert just yet and this is about introducing your body to a new type of pleasure.
I always recommend using a comfortable place: a bed or a sofa. Try to avoid other furniture or a car, etc, as you want adequate space to stretch your body and feel relaxed.
Begin by laying a towel underneath you. Remember, you aren’t completely used to douching or anal just yet – so excess water may come out alongside the possibility of other things. Don’t stress about that - but do protect your bed sheets/cushions.
“…don’t completely arch your lower back until you’re ready. The more your arch your back, the deeper they will be able to get – so don’t rush into that.”
For your first time being fucked - or made love to, however you want to refer to it - I recommend laying on your side and getting them to lay behind you.
Use pillows to prop your head and neck up, and don’t completely arch your lower back until you’re ready. The more your arch your back, the deeper they will be able to get – so don’t rush into that.
Make sure your arm is free so you can stimulate yourself with your free hand as it goes. In this position, your butt cheeks work as a buffer between your home and them getting ‘balls deep’, so in the beginning, keep your legs together and don’t raise it.
This position is freeing as you’re front is open but you also have the intimacy of having someone’s body scooped in behind you. Having someone’s face right behind your neck then hearing them breathe and grunt as they fuck can… kinda… hot.
Don’t start with doggy style or getting on top (riding). You’ll get there eventually but these two positions allow the dick to slide in-and-out BALLS DEEP without restriction, and I want you to take it slow so you can get used to this.
Plus, riding is an art form in itself. I’ll teach you one day. Practice makes perfect.
The tl;dr:
Lay a towel underneath your crotch and behind area.
Lay on your side and have them fuck you from behind the first time. Use pillows to support your body.
Don’t arch your back as a beginner. Yes, I know it looks better but it also allows them to get balls deep. You may not be ready for that.
Do not begin with doggy or riding.
ITS IN: WHAT DO I DO?
One of the first things that all of us think about (when we are new to sex) is “What do I do?” or “How can I be good at it?“. These are weighted questions as everyone’s tastes are different AND we all enjoy things for different reasons. I refer back to my earlier point of taking things at your own pace and not forcing yourself to do things that you haven’t got the skills to do just yet. You will get there. Slow down.
Personally, the idea of just lying there, being used as a replacement for someone’s wanking hand, never appealed to me. I’ve always been a naturally bossy and assertive sexual partner - and, luckily, I attract men who like it. I wanted passion, and I wanted to make sure we were both satisfied with each other.
You’ll find your sex personality as you begin to have sex. Get to know this side of yourself, assure its sexually compatible with your partner(s), and don’t apologise for it. One of the most exciting and liberating experiences I’ve ever had as a human was getting to know myself sexually.
As I said earlier in the guide with douching and using toys, push your muscles out again like you’re going to the toilet. This will make the entry much smoother, alongside an adequate amount of lube.
Top up the lube as you go. Lubricate, lubricate, lubricate. Not only to keep things sliding nicely, but it also reduces the risk of the condom breaking if you’re having protected sex.
“You’ll find your sex personality as you begin to have sex. Get to know this side of yourself and don’t apologise for it.”
A simple way to ‘spice things up’ rather than just laying there and adjusting to these new sensations is using your hands to play with their body, talking dirty to them, pleasuring yourself (I’ll get to his in my next section) or clenching-and-releasing your anal muscles as they slide in-and-out.
If you’re genuinely into the idea of making sure the person fucking you is fully satisfied, then ask them what they enjoy - and use that information, if you’re happy to.
Sex really is, at the end of the day, all about communication.
The tl;dr:
Push your muscles out, like you’re going to the toilet, to help with entry.
Make sure you’re adequately lubricated at all times.
Touch each other and talk dirty if you want. Get into the moment and enjoy it.
Communicate with your partner. Tell them what you like and ask them what they like.
HELPING IT FEEL GOOD.
When you’re being fucked, the sensitive points on your body have a tendency to feel a lot more sensitive. I’m talking about the penis, the clitoris, the G-Spot, the perineum (the area between your balls-and-butthole), the nipples, the prostate, and the anus itself.
Sometimes it’s physical and sometimes psychological – but either way… enjoy them! I refer to mine as ‘the pink bits’ and I almost always play with them myself or get my partner to do it. I advise getting to know these a bit better when you’re being fucked, as it will give you a sneak-peak into why people love anal sex so much and the way it can affect the way your body feels.
Not everyone’s nipples are sensitive, but mine are. Especially my left one hint hint. If this is sucked or played with during anal it sends my upper body tingling and it leads me to prostate orgasm much easier. You will soon learn about your own ‘hot spots’.
“I’m talking about your penis, your perineum, your nipples and your anus itself”
If you’re in the early stages of anal play, a great way to enhance intensity and to encourage pleasure - is to masturbate as you’re being fucked.
Sex and pleasure are deeply psychological for me. Personally, I love the fact that the partner I’ve chosen is inside me, experiencing pleasure because of my body. Sex is incredibly intimate, and there’s something undeniably hot about knowing you’re giving someone pleasure while sharing that intimacy together. Sex really is wonderful.
The tl;dr:
Take advantage of your bodies sensitive points as you are being fucked (nipples, perineum etc.)
Masturbate as they are inside of you, for enhancement.
Get into your head and enjoy the psychological side of it. This person you fancy is FUCKING YOU. ENJOY IT.
STAMINA.
“noun
the ability to sustain prolonged physical or mental effort.”
Contrary to popular belief and many porn movies: Sex doesn’t have to last for a long time to be amazing. Some of my best sexual experiences have lasted for just 5-minutes or less.
There’s a lot of pressure to last for ages in bed, be thrown around the room, and look flawless the entire time. But that’s just not how it always works, my friends. Sex can be messy - you pull weird faces, it can create unexpected smells, your body might make strange noises, and some people ejaculate quickly or even lose their erections. There may even be accidents and mess.
“Try not to hold yourself to a standard that you don’t have any experience with yet.”
Anal can become painful if it goes on for too long, especially as a beginner. It’s always worth making sure you’re well-lubricated and that the position is working for you. If your top is taking longer than expected, communicate that you’re ready to stop or that you’d like to change positions.
If you want to, you can always ‘finish’ them off with your mouth, hands, or other body parts. Some days, our bodies are just more tense than others - and that’s completely normal.
Try not to hold yourself to a standard you haven’t even had the experience to meet yet. Besides, who’s to say your top won’t ejaculate within minutes? And who’s to say that two minutes won’t be enough to satisfy you? You live and you learn.
The tl;dr:
Sex doesn’t have to last for ages. You can have amazing sex in a very short amount of time.
If you are wanting it to end as it’s going on for a bit too long, communicate this clearly with your partner. Don’t be shy and risk hurting yourself.
Accept that sex can be quick, your body can make weird noises and smells, and some people will experience erectile dysfunction.
Don’t hold yourself to any standards. You are a beginner.
AFTER SEX.
You’ve done it! (Or maybe you didn’t. There’s no rush either way).
It’s completely natural to feel a mix of emotions after your first time - excitement, nerves, sadness, fear, or even just a sense of uncertainty. You might even feel shame, especially after cumming. (Remember in the beginning of the guide where I discussed how many of us have been trained to see anal sex as shameful?)
This is all very normal.
The first time I had anal, I remember feeling unsure. I couldn’t figure out if I was ecstatically happy to have finally done it or if I regretted letting go of my ‘virginity’. And yes, I come from a generation that placed value on the idea of virginity—which could be a whole Substack post in itself.
You might find that after sex, you feel a little sore down there. You may also notice a tiny bit of bleeding or feel like a lot of air has been pushed inside. Don’t be embarrassed about the air situation - this is just what happens when a cock slides in and out. Air goes in, air comes out. It happens with vulva’s too.
All of this is totally normal and nothing to worry about. It’s also natural to feel the urgent need to go to the toilet afterward - especially with the combination of douching and the internal stimulation from anal play.
If you’ve swallowed semen during playtime, it’s not unusual to experience an upset stomach. For some people, it can even act as a mild laxative.
If you’ve had unprotected anal (which should always come with STI testing, communication, and PrEP where applicable) and their precum or cum has been unloaded inside, you might notice a fishy smell a few hours after sex. Don’t worry - this is just the residue of ejaculate. It can usually be avoided by gently douching afterward to rinse it out.
The only things you should worry about post-anal are:
Pain that lasts more than a couple of days: Some soreness is normal, but persistent pain isn’t.
Discharge: If you notice unusual discharge, it could be a sign of infection or irritation.
Sores – Any open sores or persistent discomfort should be checked out.
Excessive bleeding: A tiny bit of spotting can be normal, but if bleeding is heavy or doesn’t stop, seek medical advice.
Excessive diarrhoea: A little looseness is normal, especially if you’ve douched, but ongoing diarrhoea isn’t.
Unusual lumps and bumps: If you feel anything that wasn’t there before, it’s worth getting it looked at.
If you have any concerns about how you’re feeling, or finding that stuff isn’t really quite ‘right’ down there – speak to a professional.
You can either go and see your GP or visit your local Sexual Health ‘Walk In’ clinic. Click here to find your local GUM (Sexual Health) Clinic.
SEXUALLY ACTIVE.
You might find that after having sex for the first time, you’ll want to be more sexually active. THE SEAL IS BROKEN.
With that comes responsibility - and not just for yourself, but for your sexual partner(s) too. That means keeping condoms at home, getting tested regularly, and making sure you have the right type of lubricant on hand.
Why? There are a few things to keep in mind with lubricant and condoms:
Make sure you’re not using an oil based lube (or oil itself of any kind) with latex condoms. They will gradually dissolve/weaken.
If you’re using any kind of medicinal anal cream for whatever reason, check that this is condom safe also. Lots of creams contain oil-based ingredients which, again, can easily disintegrate latex.
Make sure you’re adequately lubed up before anal, as a dry hole and excess friction can easily burst condoms.
If you’ve used an oil based lube for any other type of anal play before having protected sex, remember that any residue left inside can still break down the latex of a condom.
If you or your partner are particularly large or small, you’ll need to buy a suitable condom for your fit. There are condoms out there to cater to everyone; smaller, larger and extra-large.
If you or your partner are allergic to latex, use a latex-free condom.
Aim to test every 3 months at least. If you can’t get to a clinic, then order a kit online. There are many resources for free kits and they’re a quick google away. Personally, I use SHL (Sexual Health London).
So, you’ve reached the end of my beginner’s guide to anal play.
All of the above may seem a bit preachy and possibly even a little overwhelming, but these steps will simply insert into your sexual routine without you even realising it. To me, they’re basics! It’s just about learning them for your own safety and pleasure.
Sex is one of the most fun and fascinating things on this planet, so use the above to help you develop and maintain a healthy relationship with your sex life. You should be enjoying it!
If you want more clarification on any of the above, or simply want some advice, DM me. I’m happy to help and I’m certainly never going to judge you.
–Topher